What If?
by Asitha
Summary: An AU Take on what could have happened if Todd let Neil know that he wasn't alone. Slash
1. Chapter 1

Title: What If?

Email address: T for a few bad words

Pairing: Neil/Todd

Spoilers: Can you really not have any spoilers when it's for a movie? And if you haven't seen the movie are you going to be reading the fan fiction?

Summary: Todd grows a backbone and a voice. Neil's curiosity is roused.

AU Notes: Will be slash if I ever decide to write more, though right now I'm not too sure whether this is going to be a oneshot or chapter one. Well if it is just a one shot it's got a bit of slashy-ness in it. Also I'm sure this title and probably plot has been used a thousand times before (and probably better than I'll write it), but I've never read one like it so it's new to me. This will probably be considered AU because I'll follow _some _of the plot from the movie but I will also be taking _a lot _of artistic license with it. But hey, that's why it's called fan fiction.

Warning: POV change, goes form first person omniscient to third person omniscient. Todd's probably going to be kinda OC but that's because that's the point, hence "Todd grows a backbone." I am going to try to keep him as IC as I can but it's going to be a little difficult. I hope I can keep Neil IC also. This is my first DPS fic so I'd love to know what you think, good and bad. I'm not too sure if I even like it or not.

Disclaimer: I do not own DPS

_"Don't you forget this."_

These simple words ring over and over in my head. Churning unwanted emotions, burning and buried inadequacies to the forefront of my mind.

My fellow classmates, the people who I'm always afraid are going to ridicule me, laugh in my face - they are applauding for me.

They actually clapped.

I'm astounded, and it's possibly the most beautiful sound in the whole world. For the first time in my life I don't feel totally worthless.

I'm on top of the world.

I couldn't keep my mind still for the rest of the class - hell, I couldn't keep a smile off of my face for the rest of the class, and I couldn't help but notice the proud look that Neil kept giving me. I even saw Charlie grin my way a few times.

"Todd that was amazing in class today!" Neil shouted grabbing his roommate by the arms and hauling him off of the ground. "What happened to the 'I'm not like you, no one's going to listen'? It sure as hell looked like you had the while class listening! As soon as you started talking about truth and the blanket simile everyone was hooked, no one could take their eyes off of you."

Todd grinned and latched onto Neil's arms. "I don't know what came over me. When Mr. Keating covered my eyes it was like everyone just..disappeared. It was only me and the picture. Then these words started pouring out, I had no control over what they were, I wasn't even too sure that they made any sense at all, I just knew that they had to come out. It felt like if I didn't say them then it would never be said, and that just felt like a tragedy. Then afterwards when I opened my eyes and realized that I wasn't alone with my picture of Whitman, but in the classroom I was scared shitless - but then the most beautiful thing _ever_ happened." His eyes glazed over with a far off, almost serene, gaze.

Neil was waiting intently, leaning towards Todd, but when it appeared the other boy wasn't going to continue he urged him on. "What? What happened?"

Todd turned towards the window, looking out over the grounds. "People clapped. They were clapping just for me. For something that I came up with, for something that I said. They were clapping for me, Todd, not Todd Anderson, or Jeffery's little brother, just me - Todd."

The sandy haired boy turned around facing Neil. "I've never felt anything like that before. People liking me for me. Mr. Keating - well I thought I was going to hate him for what he did to me, for what he made me do. But I don't. I couldn't - there's no possible way I could hate a man for making me feel this. Mr. Keating said to me 'Don't you forget this' and I won't - there's no possible way I could. I think…I think that was the best moment in my life. "

"You were truly wonderful Todd. Now do you see how I feel about acting? I get that same exact feeling every time I step onto the stage. It's the highest high there is."

By now they were both kneeling in front of their shared window, gripping each other, realizing their newfound kindred spirits.

"It seems so hard to describe, yet every time I open my mouth words just seems to pour out. It's like a dam has been broken. I feel better than I ever have. Better than the time I kissed Michael McKissick - well Michael kissed me!"

That statement made Neil freeze. Realizing what he said, Todd tried to back away, but Neil merely held tighter. "You…you've kissed another boy?"

"N-no. It was just once - and h-he kissed me. I didn't kiss him."

Neil huddled closer to Todd. "What was it like?"

Todd quickly sat back, shocked. "What was what like?"

"Come on, don't play stupid with me Todd. You just confessed that you've kissed another boy before, and don't worry, I won't tell a soul! I swear on my life - on my role as Puck! But tell me - please I've been dying to know - what is it like? Is it like kissing a girl?" Neil was now crowding Todd, eager to hear the shy boy's reply.

Todd blushed and ducked his head uselessly trying to avoid the actors pleading eyes. "I wouldn't know. I've never kissed a girl before. But…it was nice."

"Nice? That's it?" The exasperation in his voice was clear. Neil just couldn't understand how Todd could be so beautifully descriptive in class one minute but then when he got him in their room, where he should feel the most comfortable he closed up as tightly as a defiant clam.

Sensing his roommates dejection at his short answer, Todd tried to elaborate, merely wanting to make Neil happier. "Well it was a really short kiss and um, he was sort of drunk. Too drunk to stand on his own really. I was helping him into bed - he was my roommate - and he just sort of grabbed me and pulled me down and kissed me. His lips were chapped and his breath reeked of alcohol and he passed out right after, but it was still nice. It made my stomach all warm and I couldn't fall back asleep for the longest time. It was nice." He trailed off.

Neil smiled and quickly squeezed his friend to his chest. "Thank you Todd. For trusting me, and for opening up to me.

Todd smiled shyly and murmured. "Thank you for letting me trust you."

End chapter

I can never decide if his hair is sandy brown or just brown


	2. Chapter 2

Title: What If?

Email address: T for a few bad words

Pairing: Neil/Todd

Spoilers: Can you really not have any spoilers when it's for a movie? And if you haven't seen the movie are you going to be reading the fan fiction?

Summary: Todd grows a backbone and a voice. Neil's curiosity is roused.

AU Notes: I'm trying to stay as close to the movie as possible so I do take some dialogue from the script but I put my own spin on it (hopefully). Now this would have been out sooner but both myself and my BETA (whom I have fallen in love with and owe my happiness with this chapter to) came across technical and RL difficulties.

Word Count: 1,345

Warning: There is one part where I take a bit of artistic license with (what I believe is) a major part of the movie (and my fic).

Disclaimer: I do not own DPS, I make no money off of this.

It wasn't until later that evening, right before dinner actually, that Neil finally came back from his play rehearsal. In his arms he hefted a lumpy paper sack.

"Um, N-neil? What is that?" Todd asked gesturing to the brown paper covered lump.

Not saying a word, Neil grinned and ripped the sack off of the object with a flourish that only a true thespian can perform.

The reaction Todd gave was not exactly one that Neil had been hoping for. "Where did you get that ratty thing, and what makes you think we'll be able to keep it in our room?" the sandy haired boy asked, his worry about getting caught battling his amusement at his roommates antics and enthusiasm.

"It was a prop from the theatre, and they were going to just throw it away like it was trash. I think it's got a lot of character left in it." Neil said studying the old beat-up prop. "Besides, it's not going to be staying in our room. It's for the cave."

"It's the god of the cave." Neil said sitting down while removing the old yellow, tatty shade from the lamp that happened to bare a striking resemblance to George Washington, or at least the George Washington that was drawn in their History Books.

Chuckles were heard all around, but attention was quickly diverted from the newly declared God of the cave to Charlie as he began the meeting with his latest piece of poetry - "Poetrusic."

"Laughing, crying, tumbling, mumbling."

Everyone stopped playing with their pipes, their attention fully on Charlie now.

"Gotta do more. Gotta be more."

Wails of jagged notes, matching the wails of jagged emotion emit from the woodwind, crashing off of the cave's surface.

"Chaos screaming, Chaos dreaming. Gotta do more! Gotta be more!"

The reedy vibrato of a more soothing harmony rolled out of Charlie's medium - washing over the inhabitants of the dark shelter, leaving them glowing with awe.

It took a while after the tune wound down from it's final crescendo for someone to speak. "Wow," Meeks mumbled dazedly.

"That was nice. That was great. Where did you learn to play like that?" Pitts asked from his corner next to Todd, his voice containing a slight rasp, lungs unaccustomed to the unfiltered tobacco of his pipe.

"My parents made me take the clarinet for years." Charlie said, as if that explained everything.

Cameron obviously didn't catch his drift. "I love the clarinet."

"I hated it." Charlie snorted and rolled his eyes at his roommate. "Now the saxophone. The saxophone is more sonorous."

"Ooh." Cameron mocked, trying to cover the fact that his cheeks were flaming, angry that once again Charlie was able to best him.

"Vocabulary." Meeks added, though his tone took on a more teasing note than mocking.

"All right gentlemen," Neil exclaimed while standing. "Tonight, for the first time ever, our dear Todd Anderson will read some of his work!"

While everyone else was unfazed, used to Neil's unusual outbursts, though the content of this one slightly different from the norm, Todd's response was somewhat different. His eyes shot in Neil's direction, expression akin to a deer caught in a trucks headlights. "What!"

Neil grinned, nodding like a maniac. "Come on Toddy, you said that you wanted to start actively partaking in our meetings. Well, here's your chance!"

"I di-didn't mean tonight, b-besides, I don't have anything to read!" he knew he was grasping for anything he could get a hold on, knowing in the end he could never say no to Neil. Hell not being able to say no to Neil is how he started coming to the meetings in the first place.

"That's alright, I wrote down what you said in class today!" Neil said brandishing his notebook for Mr. Keating's class. Not seeing Todd's panicked expression diminish, he grabbed his friend by the back of the neck and pulled him forward until their faces a mere breaths length apart. Looking hesitant himself, and at a more hesitant Todd, he added quietly, "You can fly, I promise you won't fall." He wanted to add more, but didn't know how to voice it in a cave full of males, even though he had it worded perfectly in his mind.

Todd nodded, quite shaky by now, and stood in the middle of their impromptu circle - grabbing Neil's notebook as an after thought. He closed his eyes and tried to block everything out.

Taking a deep breath he slowly re-opened his eyes.

"I-I…I close my eyes, and this image f-floats beside me. A s-sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. His hands reach out and choke me. And, and all the time he's mumbling. M-Mumbling, truth. Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream…" As Todd trailed off he looked over and saw, for the second time that day, a proud look on Neil's face.

Seeing that look - knowing it was for him - he felt compelled to continue. "B-but acceptance of life, of truth, of the unknown. Acceptance of hurt, of comfort, of uncertainty. Acceptance of…life…will bring the warmth of living. The warmth - of peace - will envelop you. Warm the feet that lay uncovered by the blanket. A-and when I open my eyes, the madman that stares at me is not a madman, but my own face reflected back to me…"

There was silence, but it only lasted a moment. The whole cave erupted into applause and all other sorts of ruckus. But this time the applause was for a different reason. They weren't for Todd's amazing poem, no they had applauded earlier in the day for his descriptive metaphors and allusions and similes of truth. This applause, this pride that radiated throughout their cave was for a new level of freedom one of their own achieved. It was the pride that one friend has for another when they finally realize something about themselves and embrace it. Yes, Todd came up with the poem earlier in class, but that was only because their teacher, Mr. Keating, made him block out the rest of the class, allowing him to hide in his darkness. Pretend he was alone in his room.

Tonight, in this cave, Todd Anderson looked around at the people surrounding him and declared his thoughts worthy of other people's ears. Declared _him_ worthy.

But, true to the erratic nature of the meetings, just as Todd was sitting down and the excitement started to ebb, Knox jumped out of his seat.

"I can't take it anymore. If I don't have Chris, I'm gonna kill myself." he cried as he paced around the cave, breathing as if he were about to hyperventilate.

"Knoxious, you've gotta calm down." Charlie said, trying to placate his friend.

"No, Charlie. That's just my problem. I've been clam all my life. I'll do something about that. Tonight's a night of changes!" Knox turned towards the cave entrance a slightly crazed gleam in his eyes.

"Where are you going?" Neil asks jumping up, ready to follow his friend.

"What are you gonna do?" Charlie asked, jumping up right next to Neil.

"I'm gonna call her." Knox answers with a dazed grin, chuckling as he left the cave. Throwing a mixture of panicked and amused looks between them, everyone else quickly grabbed their coats and ran after him.

All except for Charlie that is. He fell back in the cave to continue his creation. But not the more resonant sound of a well tuned instrument, but the shrieks of noise that only a select few would consider music. Such music that would cause listeners to confuse him with a Corybante, a priest of the goddess Cybele.

_Chaos screaming, Chaos dreaming. Gotta do more! Gotta be more!_

TBC

priests of Cybele (most often identified with Rhea or to the Romans the Great Mother), known as Corybantes, worshiped her with cries, shouts and clashing of cymbals and drums.

I was really tenitive about continuing Todd's poem because I'm afraid that it won't seem like Todd or that I screwed up a major point from the movie. 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: What If?  
Email address: Rating: T for a few bad words  
Pairing: Neil/Todd  
Spoilers: Can you really not have any spoilers when it's for a movie? And if you haven't seen the movie are you going to be reading the fan fiction?  
Summary: Todd grows a backbone and a voice. Neil's curiosity is roused.  
A/N: Ah yes, well this has taken quite a while to get finished. Well it took about an hour to write and then almost two months to make it readable I'm probably more excited about this chapter than I should be, and I owe that to my lovely beta Alex. Without her this chapter would only be two pages instead of five. So yeah, if anyone's still reading, I'm sorry it took so long. Please review, if only to tell me how much the chapter sucks.  
Word Count: 1,674  
Warning: ummm….about 1/3 script with my own spin to it, other than that? A few cuss words. Disclaimer: I do not own DPS, I make no money off of this.

> > >

It took almost all day, but after lunch, Knox had finally drawn in enough courage from last night's meeting, to call Chris. He had made up his mind to seize any and all opportunities coming his way, and the beautiful blonde named Chris was one opportunity that just couldn't be passed up.

He was running down the hall, aiming for the stairs, when he ran into Charlie.

"Whoa, Knoxious. What's the hurry?" Charlie asked, effectively bringing Knox to a halt by grabbing his arm.

"I'm gonna call her, Charlie!" Knox said, giving a little skip. He shook his arm out of Charlie's grip and continued down the hall, pausing momentarily to throw a backwards glance at his still motionless friend, urging Charlie to join him

Charlie gave a hoot of excitement and ran down the hall after Knox, banging on all of the Dead Poets' doors calling out "He's gonna call her!"

Hearing all of the noise, Dr. Hager stepped into the hall and called out to Charlie's retreating form, "Mr. Dalton, you hooligan! Quit causing a ruckus in the halls this instant!" Not realizing that he himself was shouting in the hall, contributing to the ruckus. All the while the other Dead Poets stumbled out into the hall and charged after the retreating forms of Knox and Charlie.

When they all finally gathered around the phone, Knox was already dialing Chris' number. But before the phone could ring, he was already hanging up, throwing a nervous glance towards the boys surrounding him.

Noticing Charlie's glare he exclaimed, _"_She's gonna hate me! The Danburry's will hate me. My parents will hate me, hell my parents will _kill_ me." He gripped the phone box until his knuckles were turning white and stared at Charlie for a long time. All the while scenarios of a dull life as a lawyer, never taking risks and never following any of his dreams, flashed before his eyes. Quite frankly this lifeless future he foresaw scared him to death.

Nodding finally he said. "All right, goddamn it. You're right. 'Carpe diem.' Even if it kills me." Muttering under his breath he added, "And it just might."

Knox checked his pockets for another coin, his eyes widening slightly in alarm when he couldn't find another one. "Damn payphones," he cursed, an edge of alarm causing his voice to squeak slightly.

Charlie merely raised an eyebrow and pulled some change out of Knox's breast pocket, sliding it in the bulky phone.

Knox smiled nervously and dialed the number again, this time waiting for someone to answer. "Hello, Chris?" He leaned against the payphone and all of the boys gathered closer, trying to hear the conversation.

"Hi. This is Knox Overstreet," he said while waving them out of his personal space. He listened to the person on the other line and then smiled, covering the mouth piece. "She's glad I called."

Charlie, who was off to the side, the only one who hadn't tried to invade Knox's personal space, sneered. "Of course she's glad you called. Who needs Chet Danburry when there's that crazy guy you've met once."

Knox gave Charlie an odd look, confused at his apparent about-face in attitude, but was quickly distracted by the phone again. "Would I like to come to a party?" His eyes locked on to Charlie, slightly panicked.

Charlie just rolled his eyes. "Yes. Say 'yes' you idiot!"

"W-Well, sure." Knox stuttered but realizing his mouth was too far away from the phone he hastily pulled it closer and added, "Yes. Of course."

Charlie rolled his eyes again. He was worried that if Knox kept this up then he would prove his mother right, and his eyes would be permanently stuck rolling around. Heaven forbid.

Knox was bouncing on the balls of his feet by now, a smile plastered on his face. "Okay, great. I-I'll be there, Chris. Friday night at the Danburrys'. Okay. Thank you." He gave an extra bounce and his voice squeaked again. "Thank you. I'll see you. Bye."

He hung up the phone with an exalted yawp and grabbed the person closest to him - who happened to be Meeks and gave him a good shake. "Can you believe it? She was actually gonna call me. She invited me to a party with her!"

"At _Chet Danburry's _house." Charlie deadpanned.

Knox turned towards Charlie and gave a small nod, not really seeing his point. "Yeah."

"Well?" Charlie prodded like always when Knox refuses to notice something.

Knox shrugged. "So?"

"So, _Knox,_ you don't really think she means you're going with _her_, do you?" As much as he was being an ass about this, Charlie didn't want him getting hurt because he didn't realize something as obvious as this.

"Well, of course not, Charlie. But that's not the point." A stupid grin graced his face. "That's not the point at all."

"Well, what is the point?"

"The point, Charlie, is, uh--" His face fell slightly and he glanced around at the other guys for some help. Unfortunately they provided none.

"Yeah?" Charlie prodded, perhaps a bit too roughly.

"The point is - is that she was thinking about me." Knox said, almost triumphantly. "I've only met her once, and already she's thinking about me. Damn it. It's gonna happen, guys. I feel it. She is going to be mine." He jumped up and flung his scarf around his neck.

And all Charlie could do was watch as Knox charged up the stairs with the war cry of 'CARPE DIEM!' on his lips. But it wasn't until everyone else had emptied the hall before Charlie was finally able to move. "Carpe, Knox. Carpe." He whispered as he turned and strode in the opposite direction. He had a pack of smokes and an open window to attend to...and maybe some college girls to call later.

Later that night

After the excitement of Knox's call had died down, the rest of the day was fairly boring. Just another lazy Saturday of homework and naps. Neil just waking from the later and Todd sitting at the desk doing the former. It wasn't as if neither of them didn't have anything better to do, it was just...well neither of them had anything better to do.

"Neil?"

"Yeah Todd." He coughed, voice raspy from sleep.

"Why is Knox so fixated on Chris?"

Neil peered sleepily at Todd from the corner of his eye. "Why shouldn't he be?"

"Well she just doesn't really seem to be his type."

"Oh, and what type is she? Beautiful? Intelligent?"

"Stuck up. Vapid."

Neil finally turned to look fully at Todd. "I never thought you to be so judgmental."

A deep red blush spread across Todd's cheeks. "I-I'm not. Usually. And I don't really know her - not well. But we went to the same summer church camp a few years back, and she always had all these guys fighting over her."

"Jealous?" Neil teased but at Todd's somber look he finally sat upright and became more serious. "She likes to feel needed I guess. A lot of people do."

"It wasn't just that. She **_enjoyed_** the fact that guys were willing to beat each other up for her. Good people, nice people, don't enjoy other people's suffering."

"I wouldn't let Knox hear you say anything like that about her. _He'll_ clobber you. Hell, any fella would act just like those guys at your camp when they think you're insulting their girl."

"But it's the truth!"

"It may be, but he's blind to any and all of her bad fallings."

"W-well then someone, someone should talk to h-him."Todd tried to sound determined, but his stutter was becoming more pronounced, always more intense when he became flustered.

Neil snorted. "Yeah, right. He won't listen. When Knox gets an idea in his head, he just won't care for rhyme or reason."

Todd frowned and turned in the chair to continue working on his trig homework, slightly hurt that Neil wouldn't understand him.

After a long and uncomfortable pause Neil asked, "Are you coming to the study group tonight?"

Todd shook his head. "N-no, I have to catch up on my Chemistry work." He replied without turning away from his work .

"Meeks can help you. That is what everyone is going for - help on their homework."

"I'd rather do it by myself," he sulked.

Neil was puzzled by his roommate. "Meeks has an 'A' in the class." He tried one more time, not wanting to exclude him from anything.

Todd scowled. "I don't n-need anyone's help! I can do m-my own, own w-work."

"I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't Todd." Neil paused momentarily, unused to seeing the normally composed boy so emotional, not knowing if he should push. "Are you mad at me?" he asked plaintively, truly puzzled by his friends anger.

Todd shook his head slowly and turned back to his work. "No."

"No? It sure as hell seems like it, well for you anyways." Neil stood and walked over to the desk, kneeling beside Todd. "You're so damn shy, you hide from emotion. Anytime someone gets frustrated or-or angry you just pull your head back into your shell like a turtle and hide." He let out a nervous laugh. "You're just like a turtle."

"N-Neil," Todd ducked his head, staring at his trig. homework. "Could you just leave m-me alone for a bit. I've got stuff on m-my m-mind."

Reluctantly he nodded and stood straight once again. "Sure. I'm gonna go talk to Charlie. If you need me..." He moved to leave the room, but once inside door frame he paused and glanced up at his roommate. "You know Todd, it's alright to need help every once in a while. Everyone does."

Todd nodded almost dismissively, never taking his eyes off of his textbook. Neil merely shook his head sadly and left, closing the door behind him. As soon as Todd heard the snick of the door shutting he let out a sigh in relief and let his shoulders slump.

> > >

AN2: Ok, yes I now realize that the meeting in the cave and when Knox calls Chris are the same day, but when I wrote Ch 2 I was going from memory and I didn't remember them ever having a meeting during the day, so how I have it seemed quite logical and canon at the time. So yeah…this is a fanfic…screw canon


	4. Chapter 4

Title: What If?

Email address: T for a few bad words

Pairing: Neil/Todd

Spoilers: Can you really not have any spoilers when it's for a movie? And if you haven't seen the movie are you going to be reading the fan fiction?

Word Count: 2,775

Warning: same as always. about 1/3 script with my own spin to it, other than that? A few cuss words.

Disclaimer: I do not own DPS, I make no money off of this.

//\

"You're getting back a little late for a Thursday night Mr. Perry."

"Yes sir, play rehearsal ran a little late tonight, I'll be sure to be back earlier next time."

Mr. Smith, the annual sponsor, nodded. "See that you do."

Neil gave an answering nod and continued down the path, reading over his play notes. When he glanced up again he noticed a familiar form on the bridge looking isolated and lonely.

"Todd?" Neil called, surprise laced through his voice. "Hey."

"Hey."

"What's going on? Why are you out so late?" Neil asked, leaning back against the railing, facing the other boy.

"Nothing… It's…" Todd paused, momentarily indecisive. Shrugging, he continued. "Today's my birthday." He took a deep breath and turned to Neil. "I did it you know. I finally told him - told him th-that I'm not Jeffery." Todd said, waving his hand in the air, gesturing nervously.

"That's fantastic Todd!" Neil grinned and caught Todd's hand, which on multiple occasions had narrowly missed his nose.

"Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is." Todd returned his smile shyly.

"So," Neil scooted closer, invading Todd's personal space and gently nudged Todd with his elbow. "What'd he say?"

Todd shifted away from the probing elbow, secretly excited with the physical contact. "N-Nothing. My father told me we'd discuss it f-further when I, well when I get home this summer. Meaning he'll ignore…everything I said and continue to-to tell me what I'm going to be doing with my future, like I am too…young - or can't be trusted - to make my…my own decisions. L-like I'm some-some _invalid_."

"I'm sure he doesn't believe that. He'll listen to you." Neil said, trying to calm down his friend who was rapidly working himself up.

Todd just shook his head in response, a sigh slipping from him as his shoulders slumped.

Neil wasn't sure what to say; hell, he couldn't even say as much to his own father. Everything sounded hollow even in his mind. Not being able to from words of comfort, he placed a comforting hand on Todd's back, trying to convey reassurance to his friend that everything would work out.

Todd sighed and leaned back.

There was a long silence, just the two of them perfectly relaxed in each others presence. "So" Neil paused. "Today's your birthday. Happy birthday."

Todd gave a wry smile. "Thanks."

"What'd you get?" Neil asked, bumping his shoulder against Todd's.

Todd poked something next to him. "My parents gave me this."

Neil looked down and spotted a desk set, still covered in it's plastic wrapping. "Isn't this the same desk set-" He trailed off.

"Yeah. Yeah they gave me the same thing as last year."

"Oh."

"Oh." Todd repeated, his tone wry.

Neil let out a small chuckle. "Maybe they thought you needed another one."

"Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all." Todd snapped, and then bit the inside of his cheek, regretting his outburst. "You know, the - the funny thing about this is I, I didn't even like it the first time around."

Neil forced a smile on his face and turned fully towards Todd. "Todd, I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set," he said standing and grabbing the desk set off of the ground, carefully studying the package.

"I mean, who would want a football or a baseball, or-"

"Or a car."

Neil looked pointedly at Todd, smiling. "Or a car, if they could have a desk set as - well, as wonderful as this one?" Neil smiled at Todd, and further examined the desk set. "I mean, if - - if _I_ were ever going to buy a desk set - twice, I would probably buy this one. Both times. In fact, its, - its shape is - well, it's rather aerodynamic, isn't it? I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly." Neil tossed the desk set lightly in the air. Todd slowly stood up and Neil handed him the desk set.

"Todd? The world's first unmanned flying desk set." Neil stepped to the side and gestured grandly to all the land yet to be charted by desk sets.

Todd grinned and hurled the desktop over the railing, his mouth forming a perfect 'o' as all the pieces tumbled downwards.

"Oh, my!"

Neil grinned and patted Todd on the back. "Well, I wouldn't worry. You'll get another one next year."

They stood in companionable silence, looking over the railing, for sometime before Todd's soft voice broke it. "You know, Balincrest was nothing like Welton."

Neil Turned to face his friend. "Really? How so?"

Todd shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose at Balincrest everything was less formal, but everyone seemed tense. Everything is more formal here, but everyone seems...more at ease. Relaxed."

Neil smiled. "Maybe you're just more relaxed so you perceive everyone else as more relaxed."

The shorter boy hunched his shoulders and shrugged, slightly embarrassed.

"I've noticed that you're only stuttering when you get really worked up now. You haven't stuttered once since you stopped talking about your father."

Todd gave a weak smile, turning towards Neil. "I guess I'm just more c-confident around you." He ducked his head embarrassed.

Neil took a deep breath. He had been wanting to ask his roommate something all week and he had finally gotten the resolve to do it. Opening his mouth, he blurted out, "Todd?" and then winced at how rushed the name came out.

Todd's head snapped up, embarrassed that he had been caught mulling over their previous conversation. Neil paused, causing Todd to momentarily forget what he had been thinking about and give his normally confidant roommate his full attention.

After a moment Neil continued. "What did it taste like?"

Slightly shocked, and more than slightly embarrassed, Todd quickly schooled his expression, pretending that he didn't know what Neil was talking about. Truthfully, Neil had been randomly asking him questions like this since Todd had let it slip that he had kissed a guy.

"You know. Your kiss. With that guy at Balincrest."

"Well" Todd paused, thinking back to his time at Balincrest, trying to remember that clumsy, late-night kiss. "It tasted like - like cigarettes. He probably smoked a pack a day."

Neil made a disgusted face, the thought of kissing anyone who smoked that much likened him to licking an ashtray. Todd chuckled. "It wasn't that bad, honest. Besides, the cigarette taste…well it was more of an after taste. Mostly it was just wet. Wet and messy." Todd made a face. "Actually it was really messy."

Neil chuckled and slid down to sit on the cold stone walkway, Todd followed next to him. Just realizing something, Neil looked startled towards Todd. "Wait, wet? That means you - he - it was…."

Todd blushed. "Yeah."

"Wow."

"You're not disgusted?" Todd asked, his eyes widening.

"Honestly?" Neil sounded almost ponderous. At Todd's nod he continued. "No. Not at all."

It was at that point, sitting on the freezing cold stone pathway, talking about kissing another boy (and not getting beat up for it) that Todd realized that he was entirely at ease. Sure he was still filled with his normal self depreciation, but sitting here, beside Neil, he felt that he could say anything that he wanted to - anything that came to his mind - and not be ridiculed for it. Not be laughed at. And possibly taken serious, maybe even respected. It was in that moment that Todd realized that - that he had a _crush _on _Neil Perry_.

The shock of this revelation caused Todd to blurt out, "W-why _do_ you keep asking me all of these questions about Michael?"

Neil froze, then shrugged after recovering. "I'm not sure. You know me, curious about everything." Neil stands and takes a few steps towards the building muttering under his breath, "Yeah, I guess I'm just curious." _'but curiosity only killed the cat, this could get me kicked out of Welton then my father would kill me.'_ Looking over his shoulder at Todd he added louder, "C'mon, lets go inside. It's getting cold out here." Just then a cold gust of wind crept through his jacket, making him shiver to help prove his point.

Todd cocked his head to the side, trying to study Neil. But the clouds overhead covered the moon, making it impossible to make out any of the other boy's features. Not being able to tell anything, he merely nodded. "Yeah, it is pretty cold."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There seems to be some connection between realizing that you have a crush on your roommate, your very male roommate, and insomnia. It was around one in the morning and Todd still couldn't fall asleep. Though, looking over at Neil, it didn't seem as if his friend were fairing any better. He _had _fallen asleep - exhausted - almost as soon as he finished his homework, but he had yet to stop tossing and turning. Mumbling incoherently about evil Athenians in the wrong garb and loose fairy queens who sleep with asses.

Resigned to a sleepless night, Todd got out of bed retrieving his robe and slippers. On impulse he grabbed the pack of cigarettes that he and Neil had stashed in a hollowed copy of _Moby Dick_ - which Todd had balked at the first time Neil showed it to him. Desecration of books and all that.

Now, Todd Anderson, not being the most adventurous at heart (he thought he was rebelling quite a bit just being out of his room after curfew) decided that the best place to go at this time of night would be the bathroom. That way, if he got caught out of bed, he could just say he needed to use the facilities. Also, the bathroom had a window that could be pried open just enough to let the musky smell of cigarette smoke escape.

Not paying enough attention to his surroundings, Todd was shocked when he ended up in the bathroom and was met with the sight of Charlie sitting precariously on the window ledge. He obviously had the same idea as Todd, because he had a cigarette dangling from his fingers, the cherry slowly burning away at the thin paper.

"What are you doing?" Todd whispered sternly. "Hager could come in here at any time and catch you! _I_ could have been Hager."

"Relax, no one's out patrolling at this time of night, and you make too much noise to be Hager"

Todd blushed and fumbled for his pack of cigarettes, only to realize that he had forgotten something to light them with.

Charlie rolled his eyes and light a match, motioning to Todd to come closer and use it. "So, what brings you out at this time of night? I would have thought that you would be fast asleep in your bed by now."

Todd paused, cigarette halfway to his lips. "I couldn't sleep." he said quietly and then finally took a drag.

"What's got you in a bunch so that you can't sleep?"

"Neil." Charlie raised an eyebrow and Todd hurried to continue. "H-He gets back so late from the play and then if he didn't finish his homework at the theatre he has to finish it after dinner. If-If he's made it back in time for dinner that is. And he doesn't sleep that well. I can always hear him tossing and turning all night." he finished quietly.

A brief emotion flashed over Charlie's face but just as quickly, he schooled it into his infamous smirk "I wouldn't worry about Neil. He's a big boy. He knew what he was getting into the minute he forged the letter from his father." Charlie pinched the cherry off of his cigarette and pocketed the butt. "I've gotta get back before Cameron wakes up and finks." He turned and walked away.

Todd sighed quietly after Charlie had left, stubbing out his cigarette. "Yeah, but the problem is that I don't think that he did know."  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday night study hall rarely had anything to do with studying. It tended to be a time when everyone got together to plan what they were going to do on the weekend, books propped open, giving the false security of fooling the teacher unlucky enough to be chosen that day to oversee the scheming teens.

Neil slid on to the bench next to Todd, playfully flicking the other boy's ear for attention and leaning over, he whispered in his ear, "You're coming to the meeting tonight, right?"

Todd shook his head, not looking up from the book that he's reading.

Neil let out an exasperated sound. "What? Why not?"

"I have some homework that I have to get done."

"Come on Todd, can't you do it over the weekend?"

Todd shook his head again

"Damn it Todd!" Neil said a little too loudly, quickly glancing at the teacher to make sure he hadn't heard. In a more hushed voice he said, "Damn it Todd, you blew us off earlier for homework, and now you're doing it again."

"I'm-I'm not"

"Bullshit." Neil exploded, then slightly apologetic he softly spoke. "Todd…"

Todd finally looked up at Neil. "I'll come next week, I swear," he said quietly, looking around slightly flushed, noticing that they had drawn the attention of the other occupants of their table. Lowering his voice to a whisper he added, "I just really n-need to get this work done, I've kinda gotten ba-backed up. I'm n-not trying to avoid the m-meetings, or you. I swear Neil." Todd crossed his fingers, hoping that Neil couldn't seen though his lie.

Neil smiled standing, "Alright, I'll hold you to that promise, meus parum tetsudo." And he went back to the table he was at earlier.

Todd blushed and quickly gathered his books, scurrying away leaving Meeks, who had overheard their conversation, sitting there and mouthing confusedly 'My little turtle?' Charlie merely smirked, knocking his shoulder into a smiling Knox, while Pitts chuckled and shook his head at a confused Cameron.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was less than an hour later when Knox headed back to his room, practically throbbing with excitement, Charlie trailing behind him, a frown marring his face. It took nearly twenty minutes of Knox throwing around what sparse clothing he had to finally pick out a dull brown suit and a slightly rumpled dress shirt, which he wouldn't stop trying to ineffectively smooth out. Then at least another ten for him to fidget with his hair, doing more harm than good, before deciding that he would have to venture into the communal bathroom to fix it. Where Charlie also followed him. With a pack of cigarettes.

Knox stood in front of the mirror, wetting his comb in hopes of taming his unruly hair when he caught a glimpse of Charlie's reflection in the mirror. He was sitting at his usual place on the window - smoking. And then Knox caught a whiff of the cigarettes' noxious smoke. Coughing, he waved the smoke away.

"Damn it Charlie, could you _not _smoke that right now!? I don't want Chris to smell your smoke on me."

Charlie snorted, taking a particularly long drag, inhaling the smoke into his lungs and letting it sit before he let it plume back out of his mouth. "Like no one at the party is going to be smoking?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Knox scowled and looked away, not liking the quivering feeling that suddenly appeared in his stomach. "Yeah, well, just cut it out alright?"

Charlie looked hard a Knox for a moment before holding his hands up in a mock placating gesture, hopping down from his perch to run the cigarette under the water in the sink. Soggy butt sill dangling from his fingers, he leaned against the sink Knox was using.

"You know that you're probably not going to even see Chris, let alone talk to her."

"She invited me, I don't see why she wouldn't talk to me." Knox replied absently.

"She invited you because you're a nice guy, probably thinks that you're lonely. She on the other hand has a boyfriend. She'll probably have his tongue stuck down her throat all night."

"Damn it Charlie!" Knox yelled shoving him away. "Will you just get out and let me get ready in peace?"

Hurt, Charlie flicked the butt into the toilet and strode out of the bathroom with a look on his face that Knox couldn't understand.

xxxxxxxxx

It seemed like it took an excruciatingly long time to arrive at the Danburry's house, longer than it took last time, but Knox finally made it. Now all he had to do was ring the door bell.

//\

AN: Alright, finally finished! I'm so sorry it took so long, but I had a lot going on. A two week trip to my mothers somehow turned into a 4 month trip. Flat tires, military briefings, scheduling movers, etc. Oh yeah and did I mention that I have to drive to California in four days? I hate driving, let alone driving across four states in three days. Anyways, if you care about that you can look on my LJ. I don't know when the next part will be coming out since I have my drive then unpacking and hopefully after that registering for college (finally!). So...who knows. I'll try really hard not to take as long this time. I started writing this chapter on October 7, 2006 and finally finished it on March 20, 2007. I don't know if 2,775 words are worth the wait (but I do think that this is my longest chapter ever, they tend to be short). Sorry again Please review!


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